Following your transition has been amazing and completely inspiring. I may not know you on a personal level, but I will always view and respect you for who you are. You're a beautiful, blossoming woman. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise because what truly makes a woman? EVERY person--male or female--will tell you something different. Even when the world feels like it's against you, please remain strong. <3
Thank you a lot. I find it a bit coincidental that I just made a new post about one of my MTF experiences while just receiving this message from you. You are correct. Every person will tell me something different. Staying strong is one thing I could do but while at it, there is also work to be done. If only I was less distracted by a medical condition then I could be at my fullest in my element. I just feel like I can’t and that I am in constant fear of being a failure. Some people tell me that I want to go too fast, but what do you expect from a person who’s life has a 30 year gap of not living? Difficult, true. Impossible certainly not. Just not fun to be there. I haven’t really asked for much in life. I’m not much of a demanding person. I rather work for things because the reward is so much more fruitful to me when I did the work for it, instead of just landing on my lap like a birthday present on a common day. But with this stuff, I feel like I do deserve something. That I am deserving of better times and that I am sick and tired of working for something that a majority of people don’t have to work for. If only I could just ignore it. Do daily activities for the sake of the fun of it or just as common duties of life. Not because they serve as a distraction. For me there is not much meaning in distractions. I know there is more to extract from life. I know it’s worth it. The sad thing is that it doesn’t matter how strong I appear to be, this one achilles heel weakness is enough for having any of my days ruined and no one has to make much of an effort to make that happening. All I have to hear is that one person had a complaint about me being a transsexual and all my good feelings are gone. All my trust damaged and I have to restart rebuiling myself. I mean I can take a lot of hits. You can call me names, you can mock me, you can hit me, I won’t feel it unless it’s about that one thing. That one open wound that if it seems closed, is easy to reopen just with a couple of words. The worst part is is that I had “friends” who figured out how this worked. You can probably relate to this. You have a fight with one of your friends about some stuff every one can have a fight about and suddenly they switch the arguments from serious discussion to something personal. Well, when you’re a transsexual, a lot of people feel very very tempted to use that one problem you didn’t choose to have against you. Just to make you feel like shit. Another thing that pains me a lot is when people who argue with me about what is or isn’t a real woman or a real man, tell me that my friends are actually pretending that I am a woman. I mean how the hell is there a way of knowing if it’s true? Why should I have to be put in a position to constantly check if my friends are genuine. If I would act male, then that’s what is pretending. I can’t lie to myself and please all people in the world. I don’t even want to be a people pleaser. Been there done that, got treated like a criminal for it. What I would really like is to be able to take compliments as they come instead of living a life with the effect that one negative thing about my gender out of thousands of compliments can bring me down. A thousand people can tell me I’m beautiful. For the moment that happens, I may feel that it’s true, but just one negative word about me being a transsexual (especially when it’s done by so-called friends) and I’m back to square one.
I shall take your message into my heart and I thank you for your kind words. I’m sure there will be beter days without me sounding a bit bitter as I am with this message. My apologies if I sound like a bitter person. I don’t mean to be.