So I’m a monster, huh? For pushing people away…. are you sure? I don’t think so. I don’t push people away just because of my medical condition, even though it helps with the urges. I push people away who don’t want to be as patient as I am and who want to rush things over. I push people away who impose their opinions thinking they count as fact, while it forces me to feel like mine don’t matter at all. I push people away who tell me that I suck at being a friend for not showing up at their parties, and while at it, they rub this “I helped you” in my face to make me feel a guilt trip, and making it sound like I never helped them with problems (financial ones included).
I push people away who think that shutting my feelings down is an act of fear and that I need to get over it. I shut my feelings down to make sure I don’t have to cry every night. Since there is no one here to put an arm around me, I decided to adopt two kittens. They understand the way I feel. They even move their bodies close to me to feel love and give love. They feel with me. And it’s already so fast.
I push people away when they force me to do things, and if I don’t, they threaten me with “I’ll leave you for good”. It doesn’t matter what I do to people. Apparently being nice is a crime. When I tell you, I don’t have the energy and I even beg of you to give it time and you still don’t understand, then I take it that being insensitive is somehow more rewarding in life.
But I can’t give in to that. I’ve seen how many insensitive greedy emotional vampires have fallen. No, I walk this path of burdens alone. Stay away! This won’t take long now. I already survived a year of tears and pain. I can have another. I was never meant to exist. Mother was right about that. Stupid cow!
I’m not meant for happiness. Come on mortality! Claim your toll! I dare you. If you can’t defeat me in one year, then I shall return with a glorious come back. People won’t know what will hit them.